My Sweet Baby Huck

              It was just like any other day. I got up with Jake at 6:30 am, made him his breakfast packed him a lunch for work and kissed him goodbye. I made myself some breakfast and sat down to watch an episode of Gilmore Girls before I started my day. I had been feeling really sleepy and tired for the past week so I laid there a little longer. I didn't get up off the couch until about 10 am. I thought it was normal to be so tired and achy, after all  I was pregnant. I went over to my moms house and relaxed there for a while. My friends and I were planning a Halloween party so I went to the store to get some things for that and some other groceries as well. I took my little sister and her friend up to the mall and dropped them off. I got home, threw in a batch of laundry and made a big batch of Raspberry leaf Tea and started to read a Hypnobirthing book my friend had lent to me just the week before. I always liked the idea of having a natural labor and delivery and so I wanted to prepare and do all that I could to make that possible. Jake got home from work and we had fish sticks and rice for dinner. After dinner I gave Jake a much needed hair cut in our kitchen. My body was feeling really tired and worn down and my lower back had been aching all day, so after I finished giving Jake his hair cut I decided to get into the shower and relax. Before I got into the shower I grabbed the warm towels fresh from the dryer and started to fold them (we were out of clean towels). I remember lifting one of the towels to fold and getting a really sharp pain in my lower back. I had gone to the chiropractor the week before and so I thought my back was just coming out of place again.  The hot water helped to relieve the ache that was growing in my back. I got out and climbed into bed. The pains were not subsiding and I started to become worried, maybe this was more than just a back ache. I lied in bed and cried to Jake. The pains were becoming stronger and started coming every few minutes. I didn't want to go into the hospital and have them tell me it was just something so small and dumb. I fought Jake when he told me we should go to the hospital. After a couple more minutes of excruciating pain I gave in. We got in the car and headed to the hospital. I remember on the drive there repeating over and over again through my sobs "Oh God please help everything to be okay!" "Oh God please help everything to be okay!"
              Jake called my parents and told them what was going on. We arrived at the hospital around 8pm and entered through the emergency entry. We sat down to get checked in, but it hurt to sit. I couldn't help but to cry out. The ladies were very nice and only got the bare minimum of information that they needed and sent us up to the Labor and Delivery Unit. I' am so grateful we didn't have to sit and wait. Once I got to my room I got dressed in a gown and sat back in bed. I immediately asked if there was something they could do for the pain. The nurse said she didn't want to give me anything until they knew what was causing it. I remember laying back in bed and looking up at the ceiling and seeing a fire bug. I wondered how a fire bug got into the hospital and back into my room. I thought it was weird. The nurse started asking me a number of questions like 'What I had for dinner that night?' 'What was my birth date?' 'How far along was I?' etc. The questions became nauseating, I was in pain and I wanted to know why! The nurse was hesitant to check me to see if I was dilating or not because my doctor had not arrived yet. After many tearful pleads for her to find out what was wrong she went out and called my doctor to ask if she could check me. She came back with the OK and checked me.
            "Okay sweetheart, you're at a 5." Words cannot begin to describe the ache and worry that over came me. I began to cry even harder. I didn't know what to do. I just cried out 'NO NO NO NO.' Jake was there holding my hand. After that it was like everything just flew. I went from having 1 to 2 nurses in my room to 5. They wanted to start an IV in my arm. This one nurse poked me 3 different times and blew out one of my veins before she got it in. They had the blood pressure cuff on the other arm and a Doppler strapped to my belly to monitor our babies heart rate. In the midst of all the craziness my doctor and parents arrived. I had so many questions running through my mind and I asked every single one of them. I wanted to know why this was happening and what was going to happen to my baby. The doctor, nurses, my parents and Jake did there best to answer them all. There was no definite answer as to why is was happening and that was hard for me to swallow. My doctor checked me again once he got there and I had dilated to a 7 1/2. I was progressing quickly and my doctor told me that I will probably have my baby tonight. My heart sunk even more. Worry and an even deeper ache over came me. Why was this happening?!
          I was still in pain. I had to make the decision if I wanted to have an epidural or not. I wanted to have a natural delivery but I wanted to be present when my sweet babe was born. I knew that he was going to be taken away from me quickly and I wanted to soak in every possible thing that I could. I was in pain emotionally, so I wanted the physical pain to go away. I got an epidural around 10 pm.  Because I was moving so quickly they didn't want me to sit up to get it. So I laid on my side. The epidural only numbed my right side and I could still feel the contractions in my left. It was an ease from the pain, so I took it. They told me that I would start to relax because of the epidural and so I would move even faster and our baby could be here soon. The epidural actually did the opposite and slowed down my labor. After about half and hour of no progression, we decided to take the epidural out and give me a new one. It worked. My whole lower half was numb and I was grateful. I could finally sit back and try to take in what was happening. Not even a few hours earlier did I know I would be having my baby that night. Our lives had been flipped upside down. As things slowed down, my parents and Jake were able to sit back and get some rest. They told me to try and get some sleep as well, but it was impossible. All I could do was worry about my baby. Would he be okay? Will he survive? What did I do wrong? Who will he look like? How big will he be? Will he be in any pain? 
         I remember when my mom and dad first got there, one of the first things I said to my mom was "I'm so scared! I can't do this! We don't even have a car seat yet!" I wasn't able to prepare for my sweet baby Huck like I had wanted to. I was going to pack a bag of cute clothes to take him home in. We were going to have everything we needed for his arrival. I didn't feel ready, emotionally or physically to have my sweet baby Huck yet. As my family was sleeping and the doctors and nurses were out in the hall I had a few minutes to be with myself. The sound of his heart beat over the monitor was soothing for me. I looked up at the clock, it was almost midnight. I remember thinking 'I will probably have him around 2.' I don't know why I thought that, but after I felt a peace come over me. My baby was going to come, and he and I were going to be okay. The nurse came in every so often to check up on me and make sure everything was okay for the next little while. The hospital that we were at wasn't equip to take care of a micro preemie, so after he was born he would have to be life flighted up to a different hospital that was going to take care of him. The Neonatologist and Nurse Practitioner that were on call that night up at the other hospital had come down to be there for his birth. I felt a sense of relief knowing that these people cared so much to come down and help my baby with his first hours after being born. They both talked to Jake and I and told us what to expect. What the complications were going to be, and the possible complications that could arise after he was born. It was so much to take in. I was numb from the shock of what had transpired over the past few hours. I told Jake to stay with our baby no matter what. I had my parents here with me, and he would need his. A little while later I started to feel a lot of pressure. Jake went and grabbed my doctor. He came in and checked me, I was 100% effaced and fully dilated. It was 2am. They started to prepare the room for the delivery. All sorts of nurses, doctors and the life flight team was there.
              Our sweet sweet baby boy was born at 2:23am. He weighed 2 pounds 1 ounce and was 14 inches long. When he came out the first thing I saw was his little, big foot, he had such long little toes. There was my baby. He was here. He let out a few little squeaks that just pulled at my heart. 'Oh my sweet baby! Oh me sweet baby!' I repeated over and over. The doctor clamped the umbilical cord, cut it, and handed him off to the team of specialists. I could barely see my sweet baby through all of the people huddled around helping him. I'm so grateful for those people. They worked on him in my room for just a few minutes before they transferred him to a different room. An empty-ness over came me and I became overwhelmed with sadness.  I just layed there crying while the doctor finished up with me. The ache and guilt just ate me up. All I could do was cry. My mom was there and she tried to console me, but nothing helped. I just wanted to be with my baby again. After they had stabilized him, the Neaonatologist and nurse practitioner came in and told me how he was doing. They seemed very hopeful and positive about how well he tolerated everything. They also told me they would bring him in for me to see before they life flighted him to the other hospital. It was just a few minutes later and they wheeled him in. My heart started to pound. He was in a big incubator and connected to all sorts of machines. I asked if I could reach my hand in and touch him. The life flight crew said yes. I placed my pinkie in the palm of his little hand and he grabbed on and squeezed so tight. My heart melted, it was like he was saying 'Hi Mom'. They gave me a minute to soak in as much of him that I could. They wheeled him out and Jake followed. My heart was heavy. I cried out 'Please take care of my baby boy!' and then layed back and got swallowed by the emptiness that I felt. My baby wasn't supposed to come into this world like that. I felt guilty that I couldn't take care of him. I was his Mama and he needed me. I told the nurse that I wanted to get discharged as soon as possible. She told me it wouldn't be until the next day depending on how well I was doing. I became determined to heal quickly and get back to my baby. I got discharged 12 hours later. They were the longest 12 hours of my life...I needed to be with my baby and he needed me.